Gift from God

Nathan - it means "Gift from God." The question I end up asking myself, though, is "Who sees me as a gift?" I asked that as I cried myself to sleep at twelve years old, trying to figure out if I could actually call anyone I knew a true friend. I asked it at fifteen when I sat at a table by myself during lunch break each Friday at homeschool co-op. I ask it at eighteen as I try my best to serve as a prayer leader at Liberty University and struggle to connect with the people in my group. It's the question I face every time circumstances in my life tell me I'm worthless or unwanted. I tell myself I'm loved, and I can list many people who I know truly do love me, but I still find myself asking who would consider me a gift in their life.

Maybe it's not just about me always being a gift in others' lives. The longer I live, the more I realize the way God has created me is very much a gift to me. Yes, I have to deal with my emotions and stress and a relative lack of meaningful relationships, but there is a hidden advantage. It forces me to focus on my relationship with God because I have nothing else to rely on. It means I place way more emphasis on strengthening the few friendships I do have because I can't just jump to someone else if I lose a friend. I may not have much to offer, but everyone in my life is going to get my all.

I've come to recognize the value of Psalm 84. The Psalmist, in his praise to God, says, "Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion. As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools." The Valley of Baca was a real place in Israel along one of the roads to Jerusalem, or Zion, where God's people would go to worship. It literally means "valley of bush." However, the Hebrew word for weeping, while spelled differently, is pronounced exactly the same as Baca, or bush. This Psalm is an incredible analogy, comparing times of distress followers of Christ go through to a physical desert those traveling to worship in God's presence would pass through. Pilgrims on their way to Jerusalem would occasionally dig wells in the desert to make their trip easier and find refreshment. Those wells don't just disappear, though, so everyone who walked through that desert in the future would have water. In the same way, every will face trials and grief in their life. However, those who have their faith in God will find a relief in spite of their struggles. They won't be magically lifted out of the valley, but they will be given ways to fight through it. Those wells they dig will be there for others who face the same issues.

I face things in my life I wish I never had to deal with. I wish I never had to pray for someone to come into my life so I could actually share what it's like to feel friendless. I wish I didn't feel anxiety and distraction so bad I can't sleep some nights. But I can't wish those things without wishing God would pull me out of the valley where He put me to dig wells. I may not feel sometimes like others look at me as a heavenly gift that God's set in their life, but I think that, right now, I'm a gift still being unwrapped. I'm still in the Valley of Weeping, and, with the world I live in, probably always will be in one way or another, but, while I'm here, I have wells to dig to leave as gifts for everyone else.